A$AP Rocky performs at the Hollywood Palladium, October 26, 2012. Photo by Robert Gauthier. LongLiveA$AP begins with brooding storm clouds, and ends with Florence Welch chanting you off into the night. Here’s what you get in between: 16 tracks, 17 guest features, over 20 producers, all working for 1 center piece; Rakim Mayers. Read more...
Sometimes the beauty of the red carpet overshadows the true purpose of this time honored tradition. All glitz and glam aside, this night is really only about one thing - presenting the most prestigious award to the most deserving members of the film industry. It is a must for the audience to remember that these events are more than just priceless gowns and long, awkward acceptance speeches. For months and months, professionals that have dedicated their lives to the art of film scrutinize the nominees with a fine-toothed comb. The judgements are not arbitrary, but very defined. The Best Picture must exude greatness in all elements of film production, such as: cinematography, directing, accents, hotness of the actors, and of course, movie posters.
Here is a list of the films nominated for Best Picture:
1. “The Artist”
2. “The Descendants”
3. “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”
4. “Midnight in Paris”
6. “The Help”
8. “The Tree of Life”
9. “War Horse”
Let’s agree that all of these films score high in cinematography and directing, but when taking accents into account, “The Artist” clearly is not a contender. There is no way to determine whether or not the actors have respectable accents due to the fact that this is a silent (lame) film. We can now eliminate numbers three, four, six, and eight. Numbers three, four, and eight are gone due to the lack of any exotic accents. Though “The Help” did have an accent aspect, the annoying and uncomfortable nature of the southern twang leaves number six with no chance. “War Horse” and “Hugo” are strong contenders because of the giddiness induced in the crowd by such bloody lovely British accents.
You may be wondering why I left numbers two and five on the list. This is because the points lost to lack of accent are completely regained in the hotness factor. Two of the world’s steamiest manly-men star in these films. George Clooney makes us drool in “The Descendants” while Brad Pitt graces the big screen in “Moneyball.” Unfortunately, I have to disqualify “Moneyball” because the title isn’t even a word. Microsoft Word is underlining it so I do not want to type it anymore. We are now left with numbers two, seven, and nine.
The deciding factor always comes down to movie posters. Even though he’s on a beach, George Clooney is fully clothed in all posters for “The Descendants,” which offends women and kills its chances of winning. Now, it’s “Hugo” vs. “War Horse.” Though “Hugo” is directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese and “War Horse” is a product of none other than Steven Spielberg himself, we know this doesn’t actually matter compared to the most important aspect of posters. When you walk into a movie theater, thinking “what shall I see?” it is the posters that make your decision. While “Hugo’s” poster is full of imagination, promise, and other warm and fuzzy things, “War Horse” is undeniably better. One time, I thought for a second there was an actual horse in the cinema - a notion that speaks volumes in itself.
There we have it - “War Horse” will take home the title of Best Picture this year. I don’t care to see this and highly doubt it will win, but this is the conclusion that pure and simple logic has brought me to.